Do you hiss when the cat calls?

How to fight

A few weeks ago I took a walk to the store at 9pm. There was a refreshing breeze, a tiny bit of lingering light in the sky. For a brief moment it felt 5-10 degrees cooler outside than inside. Until I began to walk quickly to cover more ground and suddenly became drenched in sweat.

I wanted to slow down but the night felt eerie and I was hot and tired. The streets were quiet and I had not been sure whether to go out at all. The heat had sort of stunned me. But I wanted coconut water. I wanted something. Anything to cool me off or wake me up or whatever else might fit into that category.

What I really wanted was to go for pizza. I wanted to go to the nice pizza restaurant that serves only pizza and beer. I wanted to sit in the air conditioning and eat slowly. I wanted to walk out a new woman, no longer sweaty or hazy-minded. But we just got groceries yesterday and it is hard not to think about money when I am thinking about food.

I made my walk a little longer than planned because of the initial breeze. I went a couple blocks out of the way and circled back. I was not totally at ease. Down one street I saw a guy wrestling some other guy on the ground, I don’t know what was happening and there was another passerby walking past them who didn’t seem phased so I’m sure everything was fine, but I didn’t go that way. I kept walking. Around the corner someone was just wandering around screaming and flailing their arms. This is not foreign to me at all but it is also not totally usual. I got to the store and they had no coconut water. I got two kombuchas and a pint of mango sorbet.

While I was in the sorbet section, a corner, some guy started walking over, I squeezed past him quickly like I was finished browsing.

I did that thing I do, where I mask my energy. I mask my energy so he doesn’t know I’m getting out of his way because I don’t want him to have me in a corner. I’d feel bad if he noticed because we were in a store full of people and he probably just wanted sorbet too. But when I walked around the store I was anxious that there were eyes on me, and I started to sweat in the air conditioning and I’m not sure if it was because I’d gotten myself all worked up or because someone was actually staring at me. I refused to look around to figure it out. I paid for my items and I walked home with my head down. Usually I am not worried about people looking at me. I assert my energy in every space I enter. I walk tall with my shoulders back and a serious face and no one bothers me.

Once years ago I was getting kombucha at the same store and when I got back to my street some guy started whistling and calling to me and I turned around and really lost it. I went right up to him, boldly close looking him right in the eyes and I pulled one of the heavy glass bottles out of the bag and I held it high over my head like I was about to hit him with it.

I don’t know what I said to him but I know I yelled. Screamed, actually, at the top of my lungs, so much that my voice cracked. I threatened to strike him with the bottle if he said another word to me, though with the way I was screaming I’d be surprised if anyone even heard what I said.